Tappin’ Out

I’m finished with all the major interventions. I’ll get blood and platelet transfusions as needed, but those are normal.

I am at day +6. That mean’s it’s been 6 days from the day they gave me my stem cells. Normally, it takes around 9–12 days for the stem cells to turn into white blood cells. When that happens, my white blood cell count and my absolute neutrophils will start to climb. I can go home as soon as the white blood cell counts are >1. I booked my flight home for day 10 (Friday), and we need to hope that I make it out by then.

Cells counts today (+6)

White blood cells = < 0.1 (normal range 3.5 – 10.5)

Absolute neutrophils = Too low to count (TLTC) (normal 1.5 – 8.0)

Platelets = 26 (I got a bag of platelets yesterday b/c I was low) (normal 140-390) Transfuse when <10.

Hemoglobin = 8.9 (normal 11.6 – 17.5) Transfuse when < 8

They suspect that I will need hemoglobin soon. As it is with most vampires, this bag of blood will give me energy.

A couple of day ago, I felt like quitting. Drop the mic, I’m out.

I was just gonna let the sun shine on my face, breathe some fresh air, and crush my kids. And then, I guess, die from the common cold.

It’s too late to quit.

This is harder than I thought it would be. I got to figuring that my biggest problem is that I don’t think things though. I talked to Beki about it, and she said that’s why I’m the perfect person to take on a caper. C’mon, we’ll just rob the bank and then we’ll feed the ducks. It’ll be a good day, tater.

Is that what I thought? I’ll get a little chemo, rest a little bit in a room, then go get an ice cream cone? Chemo shmeemo. Humans do it. That means I can do it?

People said I was being brave, but I didn’t think I was being brave. To me, I was just taking a logical step. This could stop my disease. I should do it. Bravery didn’t really come into the picture because I did not fully understand.

My favorite fortune cookie of all time told me this: The only thing you have to fear is your own stupidity.

But then my girlfriends came. They reminded me that I agonized over this decision. Remember? I cried all day reading the Dr. Burt patient-run Facebook page? Remember when HP came down, and we weren’t sure if I was going to be accepted or not, and we got drunk?

Bravery did come into the picture: I was more scared of my disease than I was of chemo.

HP said that I knew what I was doing. My only problem is that sometimes I’m a little out of step with reality, but that is why she loves me.

And then there is this: Melanie, HP, Jill, and Scott came in from Nashville, Racine, and Raleigh to keep me company over the weekend. We had dinner parties in my room, re-arranged the furniture, played dominoes, and laughed our asses off. They obsessively wiped down my room with alcohol wipes. I felt, overwhelmingly and powerfully, that I am loved. I had a moment, it’s hard to describe, but these are girls I’m going to keep until we all die of old age. We’ll have to hold each other up at our funerals. Joey will be the last of the E.Vil girls to die, because she is the most evil, and it will be hard on her.

Having friends like this is the luckiest thing in the world. I know I made some of that luck, but that doesn’t diminish the power.

More good things: Amy came to visit, and we made plans to make soup for each other every other week back in Raleigh. My cousin Erin is coming today. I wrote down all the words from the video Beki made so I can read them whenever I like.

You are all sending me love and support. It’s damn humbling. I’m so grateful. I love all of you. I can’t think about it too much or I’ll cry. (Well. Too late. I’m crying.)

Yesterday, as I was taking my nap, I felt your love as strongly as sunshine on my face.

 

 

Filed under Stem cell transplant for MS | Tags: chemo, Chicago, HSCT, MS, stem cell transplant, support | Comments (13)